The Paradox of Choice

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Living in a city like New York or any large city I would assume,  everyone in the dating scene will always have the same concerns – Being an option.  Being an option is when you meet someone and begin the process of getting to know them, but as things begin to develop you learn what’s really going on. You come to realize that the person that you are dating and giving your energy to, is dating 4 or so other people.  You try to rationalize it and make sense of that uncomfortable feeling that you have, but something is still missing.  So what does one do in that position?  Do you change your morals and do the same, date several people so you don’t feel left out?

I was dating someone who stated that I was everything that he was looking for. I was new, different, successful and classic, but I wasn’t what he was used to dating. To him I was ‘marriage material’ and he could see himself growing with me, but he still wanted to keep his options open.  Wtf?!!, how can one person find everything they want and still continue looking? What are they still searching for?  And who wants to be the guy where someone says

“OMG you are everything, but wait one second…”

*begins searching and dating other guys, but can’t find anyone*…

“Well ok, there was no one better, I’m ready for you now” -_- really?!


Living in New York one would be left to wonder, can relationships really be created in a city where there are so many options? Can someone here really focus, grow and build with ONE person?   I would like to think that is very much possible.  There is something called The Paradox of Choice. The theory states that when there are so many options to choose from, that person would be less likely to settle down and decide. That certainly doesn’t leave much hope these days. I’m sure cities like LA, DC, and Atlanta experience the same thing, but I would have to say that New York takes the cake.  So what are we to do with this paradox and very common way of thinking? How do people that are relationship oriented find other relationship-oriented people?

Well, let me first start by saying don’t look on the apps (Grindr, Jackd, etc) when it comes to finding relationship oriented people (in my opinion) and we definitely don’t find it at XL, or G lounge…  So where does it exist?  Do we have to find a good guy at church or something?  I’m sure as adults we understand that there will always be choices and options, but let’s take a moment to put away our “Shiny Ball Syndrome” – defined as: when something looks nice and you have it, but you see something else that looks better so you drop what you have for the better option.

We have to balance what we want Vs. what we get when building and growing with someone. If there is someone out there that you can’t see yourself without, you find yourself missing his embrace,  and helps you become a better a person while edifying you, BUT doesn’t have the body you are looking for? Don’t risk all that you have for something so small… hell! Go to the gym with him.

The Paradox of Choice is a dangerous thing.  I suggest to anyone dating, first learn the reason for why you are dating. Usually it would be get to know someone in the pursuit of being in a relationship, but if that isn’t the reason, then you are just hooking up.


Comments 4

  1. sammy jones

    With all this info You gotta remember men dont think to much ,most times so many do this type of shit and not realize . Men want the full package and lets face it there will always be something better then the next , if u got good looks great personality,good sex, a job and money he’ll still wanna explore his options , and that includes the relationship oriented , majority of times the only people who will not leave there options open are the old guys or fat guys because there more appreciative ,guys dont normally look in there direction .also lets not forget that many men dont trust easy so its easier for them to walk away from what could have been to explore options when they have a guilty conscince

  2. Ikee Bernabe

    Great article….. please know true love exists in NYC. I hold dear to my heart a 18 year relationship …. of love and bliss. God had a different plan and suddenly took him away…. now that I’m a widower and looking for companionship “not sex”… this article is so on point..

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